dear friends, I am enjoying the sand, surf, and sunshine on the island of Koh Phangan! It's great -- a very beautiful beach with warm winds coming off the ocean in the evenings. The sky turning grey and periwinkle, a waxing gibbous moon reflects light through four dimensional clouds layers, seemingly right overhead, from a far away star that just happens to make all the life on this planet possible. The sand between my toes, swimming in the small waves, warm water up to my neck -- just bobbing up and down with a big smile on my face. Small lights way off in the distance from fishing boats swinging in the surf, on and off, on and off. Time is moving so slowly now. Warm rains move across the ocean; just sitting, watching the storm come in. Everything becomes clean again. In a few minutes, it passes. Most folks run off to their bungalows, a few of us revel in this wonderful drama of the natural world. I am ready for another swim.
I'll stop now before I hand you the "smoking gun" to put me on your "Block Sender" list.

Memoirs of a Young Man Losing His Mind

It can be a sad world out there. That's why it's important to laugh a little more. Start by reminding yourself to find that smile within you and to let it come up. Yeah, starting right now. : )

(from the "Letters from Prison" series: pt.2)

Okay, it's been three days into the course. I've sat for more than thirty hours apparently getting ready for the "real work" and I realize that I have learned several things so far:

1. Not thinking is much more difficult than it sounds.

2.I've got a completely whacked out mind.

3. Sitting with a straight back for eleven hours a day, trying to concentrate my mind on nothing more than the acute sensations of air moving in and out of my nostrils is not as easy as it might be cracked up to be.

Book-of-the-Month

There have been several inquiries regarding more specific details, or even instructive illustrations, for some of the more advanced sitting postures that I have been practicing and described earlier such as: "the Cambodian connection", " Millarepa's golden tooth", "crouching tiger, leaping sloth", "space monkey", and the "Dalaiwood star." I know how these postures might be difficult to imagine for most of you couch potatoes out there. That's why, if you're really interested, I would highly recommend picking up a copy of the classic reference, "Spiritual Enlightenment for Dummies" by Harold Finklestein. It's worth its weight in gold -- and I would know since I have been lugging it around with me these last ten months. In fact, according to Babba's Biweekly, it's the best seller in Rishikesh.

However, be sure to get the updated 2003 edition. It's much more current with all of the cutting edge and time-saving techniques to reaching buddhahood. For example, it has a pop-up display that comprehensively describes the "Buddha-for Breakfast ®" and "Heal the World One Taco at a Time™" techniques. I was just looking at a friends very handsome, leather-embossed copy and apparently, if you send in your 2003 purchase receipt along with three UPC bar codes from selected "Finklestein-a-rama" undergarments, you'll get a few bonuses. Apparently, they'll send you a pocket book glossary of important jargon like: "perfect equanimity", "vertebral vipassana", "concentrate-your-mind-you-damn-fool", "hunchbachary", Goenkian Gnomenclature", "mindlessness", and "transcendental hip-hop." You'll also get an interactive CD ROM called, "Partner Yoga With Your Cat" and a nifty little pamphlet that you can put on your fridge entitled, "101 mindless things to do on a rainy day."

(I might add that Finklestein's beige flannel boxer shorts run about one size small.)

Just go to www.finklemartismyfavoritestoreinthewholewideworld.com

Well look at me giving you the sales pitch! It's not like my very modest stock shares in Finklestein Industries Unlimited (proud sponsor of this year's World Yoga Championships) will be affected by a few friends reading this email! Anyhow, remember -- it's the 2003 edition. And when you order, tell them you were recommended by member #12.

Thanks!

The Rules

I think all of you remember the draconian rules that we must abide by here. I mean, how do they expect us to have any fun? Take it from me, being in a shared dormitory with thirty other males, I would have written the rules a little differently. Starting with: no snoring like a bulldozer (or you gotta sleep outside), no using the snooze button on your alarm clock multiple times before the 4 AM wake-up bell, no throat clearing operas in the shower -- especially during rest periods, and some sort of freedom to fart noise ordinance. I shudder to think that the women's dormitory is anything like this! I mean, girls don't do these sorts of things, right? I requested a transfer over there based on these grievances but I haven’t heard back from the management yet.

Listen, I don't want to come off as a whiner but I am just sticking up for my rights. And they are all based on the 2002 World Treaty on Common Courtesies. Matters relating to open-air dorm rooms which seem to be regularly violated without any crackdown whatsoever are articles 14 and 17c regarding methane and carbon dioxide emissions. And it doesn't take a genius to understand that the third paragraph, second line of article 22 specifically prohibits throat clearing interval training within 30 meters of a westerner with average hearing. And I don't even consider myself a stickler, I just want justice. But the problem is, I can't confront the person, ask them nicely to leave the course if they are going to act like gorilla in heat, or even look at them in a "That was totally disgusting. I think I am going to puke now" look because of all of the vipassana meditation rules!

Of course everything is thrown into question since I am an American citizen and Bush refused to sign this treaty last November at the Hamburg Summit in Germany. Apparently (I listened to it on BBC radio), Bush gave some lame excuse based on something none of the scientists had heard of called the "Hamburger Hypothesis." He just kept saying, "Next year, this summit's goin' to Austin. I'm going to make doubly sure of that!" The world watched in disbelief.

There were a few moments today where time began to crawl or possibly reverse itself. The pain in my knees came back up, gulping for air in the whirlpool of my equanimous mind. Five minutes felt like an hour. At one point I was so sure that our two hour sitting was finished, I feared somebody forgot to ring the bell. Even though it seems like the sitting should have finished long ago, you can't look at your watch because of the don't open your eyes rule!" They've thought of everything!

It seems like the more serious I try to become, the funnier everything becomes. I don't know what's happening to my mind. Surely I am losing it but what parts? As I try to purify and let go of my controlling mind, I find myself needing to do something with all of these pieces. So I am sending a few of them to you. Fortunately for you, all you have to do is hit the delete button. I've got to sit on my ass for several hours at four in the morning.

So you've got several options at this point:

1. If you don't want the next installment, just don't reply.

2. You can put me on your "block sender" list if you're tired of my antics and shenanigans and then you would be guaranteed of the above.

3. If you want the next installment, you'll have to do a bit of homework. All you have to do is find out what the "four noble truths" are as taught by the Buddha (enlightened one) named Gautama and send me your list. Be brief, no need to plagiarize in an attempt to impress me. Besides, you'll get a zero.

4. If you want to go for broke and want the whole Time-Life-AOL-Warner-Microsoft-Coca Cola-Finklestein Industries-Disney (will now be simply called Microsoft -- but not if Harold Finklestein has any say in the matter) shebang of "Notes of a Young Man Losing His Mind" then you'll have to do a bit more. First, list the Buddha's "four noble truths" and then describe something that you crave. In other words, what material thing or emotional need do you crave and why? Also, what do you think it would take to eradicate that craving or at least significantly lessen it?*

*If you choose this last option, your karmic tally will be further enhanced by an additional eleven BP's (Buddha Points).

Stay tuned for part 3...

"Hey, you're sitting on my meditation cushion!"

Happiness to you and each person you interact with.